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Tangled Up In You THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HAIRSTYLIST IS AN INTIMATE ONE, NOT TO BE BRUSHED AWAY LIGHTLY
Bradshaw couldn't imagine cutting Sacchitiello out of her life -- the very thought of seeing someone other than her mane man sends her in a panic.
And that's just fine with her significant other -- her husband, that is.
He's very comfortable with his wife's "insignificant" other -- her hairstylist. Actually, he's also very loyal to his barber.
"Going to someone else would be like having an affair on my husband," claims Bradshaw, a Mississauga resident and mother of two.
Sacchitiello is a hairstylist, and a good one at that: Recently when he switched salons and set up shop at Michaels Hair Design in Oakville, a veritable army of clients followed him, including 37-year-old Bradshaw, a beautiful, bubbly blond who gets her do done every eight weeks.
Besides giving good hair, "I enjoy his company. Davide is good at his job but he is a good person, too. I consider him my friend," says Bradshaw. "I have known Davide a long time, so we share life changes whether it's about our kids, aging parents, happy stories and sad stories. I always look forward to seeing him."
NEVER SWITCH
She'd never ditch or switch: "There is no reason for me to go to someone else. Also, if I went somewhere else, and let's say Davide knew, how would he feel and what would that do to his confidence level -- it just wouldn't be fair."
And she's not alone: Most women are loyal to one stylist at a time, say the experts; few women are hairdresser whores who jump from chair to chair.
According to Dr. Debbie Magids, "forming a relationship with your hairdresser is equivalent to forming a relationship with a lover -- you go on your first date and see if there will be a second one and to see if there is a connection."
If things click, "the guy makes you feel great about yourself -- beautiful, charming, sexy and funny. It's no different with our hairdresser -- if he does it right, you leave feeling like you are the most special, desirable, beautiful person. And then you go back for more --and the relationship forms," says the New York psychologist.
'GET ATTACHED'
Things get serious: "You get attached and begin to feel this is the only person who could make you feel this way (look this way)."
Counsellor Heidi Cowie agrees: "The relationship with a stylist is intimate -- after all, who else is allowed to stroke your hair, massage your scalp, listen to all the horrible and great things in your life etc., except for the significant partners in our lives."
According psychologist Dr. Michael Cunningham, hair-grooming relationships can be very intimate -- it's a relationship where you relinquish control. "It requires some comfort and trust to allow someone to repeatedly touch you."
And face it, how many people see us at our worst -- looking like a drowned rat or a foil-wrapped alien?
TRUST AND COMFORT
"Once that trust and comfort is established, self-disclosure occurs, and a reciprocal relationship develops. Both client and beautician often will reveal private details of their lives," says Cunningham, a professor of social psychology at the University of Louisville and specialist in physical appearance.
Cunningham says women are devoted to their hair because it is one element of their physical attractiveness that can be enhanced or modified quickly. "Whereas changing weight occurs slowly and changing the shape of one's nose requires surgery, returning to a youthful appearance by going from grey back to brown can be accomplished in a few hours."
Says Bradshaw: "For me, having a great haircut reflects on how I am feeling; it's part of looking and feeling healthy and happy. Also, I enjoy fashion and my haircut is part of that."
According to Leslie Gillespie, hair is a highly charged issue. "Hair is often the first venture into how others view us, and consequently how we view ourselves. It also represents how we are different.
"If someone thinks our hair is pretty, they smile at us, say nice things and we feel warmth and closeness. We also feel we are good and fit in," says Gillespie, a registered marriage and family therapist in Toronto.
She says we place faith in our hairdressers because, like our moms, they send us out into the world where we will face judgment. And although trust can take years to build, "we are asked immediately to put trust into our 'hair'-giver. We do not put that trust into lovers, friends and parents, and yet we must take a blind leap of faith here. Unlike other areas of life, most errors are remedial but if your hair cut or colour is not satisfactory, there usually is not a quick fix."
According to the experts, hairdressers touch us in a few feel-good places. Hairdressers are all powerful: "We count on them to bring the goddess out in us," says Dr. Marion Goertz, a registered marriage and family therapist in Toronto. "We are at our most vulnerable and our most hopeful in the hands of our hairdresser and her team of estheticians."
She adds there are few among us who can't relate a story of angst at the hands of a hairdresser. "Are there larger, more traumatic events in one's life? Certainly and, yet, we are women, hear us roar when we see the ugly stepsister rather than Cinderella emerge in the mirror. The funny thing is that most of us still tip -- and way too much at that!"
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THE FINAL SNIP
If your hairdresser isn't cutting it anymore, Splitsville is in order.
But cutting out your "insignificant" other can cause anxiety attacks. What do you do? Just disappear, or switch chairs?
According to psychologist, Dr. Debbie Magids, "Just like in a love relationship, some people have a hard time letting go and separating from their lovers. Some feel guilt -- they have been with this person for so long and feel as if they are betraying them by moving on."
Take these splitting tips from Heidi Cowie, a Hamilton counsellor:
- Ask yourself if you have experienced a problem like this in the past? What skills did you have to solve the problem then? Can you apply these skills to the present situation?
- People usually do business with people they like and respect. If this is no longer present in your business situation, then cutting the ties is essential.
- Ending any relationship can cause feelings of loss and even some grief. We may miss the contact with these people; however, this is not a reason to feel guilty. Once you have evaluated your options and implemented your plan, don't forget to evaluate the outcome. This is how we learn and grow.
- Stay focused on the business relationship -- you are paying money for a service and expect service in return. If that is not to your satisfaction, go find someone who can provide what you need.
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