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A Conversation on Over-Givers The multiple roles and expectations that women can have are increased by the general nature of our ageing population.We are reaching a stage in our society where the bulk of the population ranges between the ages of 40 and 70. This means that women are assuming the roles of caregivers for elderly family members more than ever before.
Why are women so stressed out these days?
Women have not eliminated any roles such as employee, wife, mother, rather, they have added additional roles such as caregiving without compensating for the additional support systems that they need in order to maintain the status quo.
Is this phenomena getting worse or is it just my imagination?
Yes, it is getting progressively worse and will worsen in the years to come. As the demands of our ageing population increase, so will the demands on women.This is a quality of life issue and no one is immune. Most of us at some point, will have to deal with caregiving and we rarely do any pre-planning to lessen the burden.
Please explain the over-giving trend amongst women...
Simply stated, an over-giver is usually a woman who gives too much. She gives over her personal limitations which causes stress physically, emotionally, and psychologically.This is part of what I call ages and stages. the majority of over-givers are between the ages of 45-55. This is naturally a time in our lives where we review our values, look at where we have come from, and where we want to go in our lives. This transition, or age and stage, is a normal part of human development in both men and women. When our personal or professional goals and values are in conflict with what we think we "should" do, it can cause anger, stress, and anxiety. For example, a woman in her mid forties may decide to change her career but the new responsibility of being a caregiver may "lock" her in and prevent her from pursuing goals that are important to her.
Why are we guilty of this? Why do we come last?
When we are caring for frail and/ or elderly family members,there is a psychological and emotional thread that knits caregivers and care receivers together.Most of the emotional turmoil that people experience come from three things: fear, anger, and guilt. If the motivation for our actions is rooted in these three issues then we find ourselves constantly demanding of ourselves. Some people feel stressed because they are giving out of obligation rather than love. In part, society has the expectation that adult children "should" attend to ageing parents. "Shoulds" are judgmental and never satisfied. If we set the standard of our actions according to the "shoulds" in our lives we will never meet our own expectations because there will always be something that "should" have been done better, quicker,nicer etc.
What are the side effects?
Women often fail to acknowledge the anger they feel as an over-giver. Anger is a common reaction to the burdens of stress. Combine this with the tendency for women to suppress or stuff down their anger, can lead to tension and stress in personal and professional relationships. Physical symptoms such as shortness of breath, stomach ailments, migraines can emerge as a result of stress and anger. Women can experience burn out which forces them to take stress leave from work. Emotionally, they feel they are living in a cyclone of craziness where nothing makes sense and there is no relief in sight.
What happens during the Christmas season - women already have an over-loaded plate.
The increased demands and expectations of the holiday season demand higher stamina and energy. We may feel forced to function at a higher level which snowballs into higher self-imposed expectations. I like to draw the analogy of a layer cake- you can add only so many layers before the cake topples over. So we have more people going into depression, substance dependencies, and marital breakdowns. When we have reached our limit on all levels, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and physically, there is no more room for holiday pressures.We basically just get through the season in combat mode and the fall out occurs when it's all over.
How can this trend be altered?
Women need to be realistic and stop thinking they can be all things to all people. Realistically evaluate the roles you have and start choosing the roles you want to have.
Understand that anger and resentments are common feelings and reactions to over giving and stop feeling guilty. Anyone can be angry but it needs to be at the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way.
Tips on cutting back, especially during the holiday season.
Always consider what you could do versus what you should do. Take that word--should--right out of your vocabulary and replace it with could. Could gives you options, choices,power, and ultimate control of how you spend your time and energy. Realize the difference between expectations and reality- what is expected of you may only be in your mind- check it out with others.Stick to a reasonable schedule. Before you make one more batch of cookies ask yourself "will any children loose their tricycles if I don't do this". Saying "no" is a good thing- practice it loudly, often, and without guilt.
Can stress lead to depression and anxiety? What else does stress do to individuals and their families.
Statistically, 90% of the population will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. This is usually transitory- we get out of it with the right help, support, and knowledge. Stress can cause anxiety and depression if we do not deal with the origins of the stress. We can not keep sticking our heads in the sand and hoping it will go away. This just increases the problem. Stress affects all of our relationships. Our parenting skills become strained because we do not have the patience or coping skills to deal with our children. Our relationships with our mates are affected because we lack the energy or desire to listen, communicate, and deal with our mates concerns.
How can one escape - especially if they need their job.
You always have a choice. You can choose how you react to a situation, how it affects you, how you are going to plan and act. You have absolute control when you allow yourself a variety of choices.
My best friend had a mini-stroke due to stress on the job - please comment.
Tragically, this happens often and it can be seen as an effective warning sign. A sign that something is desperately wrong and that things need to change. Often, it is crises in our lives that propels us to look inward and significant personal changes that will last a lifetime. All to often, people would not change unless a crises came along. I see this in my practice daily. People come in for counselling when they are in crises and feel hopeless. It can be a catalyst for a new beginning.
The Leger study says those affected by depression only felt it affected their work life, not home life - seems impossible to me - depression runs in my family and we were sure affected!
Well, surveys can be manipulated to suit the goal. It goes without saying that if a person is experiencing depression and anxiety at work, they are definitely bringing it home to the supper table.Families bear the brunt of our emotional turmoil and it's where we try different behaviours. For example, people are much more likely to get angry at their spouse than their boss. We are more apt to control our emotions at work but when we are home, we let them rip.
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