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Keep the home fires burning LEARNING TO LIVE HAPPILY -- AND HOT -- EVER AFTER
"Problems existed prior to the holidays but they are ignored, glossed over, etc., because it's the holidays. When January rolls around and the routine kicks in, and so do the problems," says Hamilton therapist Heidi Cowie.
The New Year rings in the same old tired angst, hostilities and disappointments, and according to Cowie, "couples" counselling goes way up in the new year. "People make it through the holidays but then they crash by February -- then my practice gets really busy."
The natural cycle of every relationship is for that "hot" experience to fade, says Fertel. And that's when the real work begins. "Love is not simply a matter of chance; it's your choice. You don't have to be 'lucky in love.' You can 'make' love in your marriage," says Fertel. "To maintain that 'hot' experience in marriage takes effort, discipline and wisdom."
First, learn how to love. It's a skill like everything else. "Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically healthy, the right marital plan will make your relationship strong. It's a direct cause and effect," he says.
Then, the second step is to set up a structure in your life, a discipline: "We all know what to do to be healthy, strong and thin. But how many of us do it? The truth is that wisdom is much more common than discipline. It takes both. You have to have discipline to do what you know you need to do to get the result you want."
DIFFERENT VALUES
Cowie says that when partners share different values on issues such as family, finances, children, etc., and, unless they know how to contract and negotiate the differences, these values will clash and cause problems.
When a relationship is in difficulty, lack of proper communication is always a factor. There is no instruction manual on healthy relationships, says Cowie, so "people need to learn to communicate effectively and this is a skill that is either self-taught or learned through instruction, such as marriage/couples counselling."
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